Interesting Invite...

...I made assumptions, based on experience and knowledge, that the family BBQ was a no go zone for me. I saw the invite on Facebook awhile back but because I am out of touch and because of the previously noted assumptions I made no plans to go. Then...this afternoon at work, I get a call from an aunt. The kind of call that my response upon realizing who it was, is..."okay...who died?"  Because these people do not call me unless a family member is dead or dying. The ones from the past who are still tied to the apocalyptic cult better known as the Jehovah's Witnesses. Where I am known as an apostate. The worst of the worst of those who leave. Or at least it used to be. Thus my assumptions.
Which, it appears, are incorrect! Apparently while I was busy living my life some of the more hard core followers have loosened up a bit. I have watched over the years as many of my cousins have left so that those in are now outnumbered by those of us who are out. However, finding out that some of the older ones have loosened their views a bit has come as a surprise to me.

The call from my Aunt would suggest this is the case, as she is a hard core follower, a true believer, and yet she was the one who called to make sure I was aware that I was invited. Conversation regarding my surprise at this ensued. That and that no one was actually dead. Because apparently it is surprising that I would think that is the only reason they would call...well duh. Why else??
Anyway, to make a short story long... I am invited to the family BBQ and it is a "no drama" zone. A keep your individual beliefs to yourself and just be respectful and loving to all those who are there kind of gathering. Interesting!

To be fair, they have had these gatherings before, with those who are not in but also not 'out' to the extent I am. Because I have historically been 'persona non grata' number one, I have never attended. Nor have any personal invitations of this type been extended.

 I had to call my cousin after work because the confusion and skepticism hung on long after the phone call. I seriously thought this was so weird. After speaking with my cousin I was convinced that attending was the thing to do. Reassured we would be welcome. So I rearranged my weekend to include two visits, one on both days, first with my daughter and her girlfriend on Saturday and on Sunday with my boyfriend. I let my relatives know my timing should they like to see me on the event Facebook page. We were excited to go and see family, a high percentage of whom do not tow the JW line. Cousins we haven't seen in years! And a few who, JW or not, would be happy to see us. Although they might not spend much time with me, it would be a great opportunity for them to spend some time with two of the most beautiful humans that are my daughter and boyfriend. How awesome!! Maybe they are loosening up a bit!

As I write this I am working to stay true to how I felt. Excited and hopeful! Happy for the opportunity to see family gathered together at what appeared to be an all inclusive event!

...and like a punch to the gut, I get the message from my non-JW cousin at whose home the event is to take place, that he would, with heartfelt apologies and "out of respect for his wife's religious beliefs", have to ask me not to attend. Well...fuck. I should have known it was too good to be true. How could I be so stupid to think that anything has changed. That maybe they have learned what love really is.

I took a screenshot and sent it off to my daughter, boyfriend and cousins with whom I had been discussing attending. Surprise ensued. Disappointment, sadness and anger followed. Kudos to my daughter who blasted the internet personal space of Facebook with all she was feeling. In words I wanted to scream to the universe along with her. 'Go fuck yourselves! We are DONE! Do not ever invite us again! We have carried on without you for this long, we will continue to carry on just fine without you!'  Etc,etc. And very well put I must say. She can write.

Anyway, here we are not going. And here I am struggling with rehashing old shit. Same old same old. Angry with myself for allowing hope to arise within myself, and worse passing it on to my children.
I have lived with this for so long why am I allowing it to hurt me now??

I knew last month during the last conversation with my Dad that I will ever have that he was a lost cause. But I had heard rumors of others loosening ... so hope springs alive from the well within. Because I yearn for them to learn love as I know it. For them to enjoy life, to let go of the misery they are immersed in. Remove themselves from the lie they believe to be true. That's why.

But because love comes with boundaries, I am with my daughter on this one. Unless you can be all inclusive of those who are your family by blood ...fuck you. You are toxic to all that I am and believe myself to be. You are toxic to those who are most important to me and I will not allow your toxicity to touch me and mine. As long as you call yourself a Jehovah's Witness and follow their old white men with their toxic view of love, it is YOU who are not welcome in our lives. Peace, out.