More Rambling...

It would appear I am repetitive.  No real surprise there. I take it as a reminder to myself to continue on this journey I am on.
I have many plans for my future which include continued growth, regular yoga sessions, exercise and repeat trips to Seattle.  I intend to paint, draw, weave, build, refinish, create and recreate. I will do whatever the fuck I want to.

I am thinking "whatever the fuck I want to" should probably not include smoking cigars. Me and my addictive personality. (Note to self: you have already quit smoking twice...third time is a charm. Let's make it stick. My poor lungs.) It may include dancing naked in the moonlight...in the privacy of my own home of course. And let's face it...with a glass of red wine an occasional cigar goes pretty damn good.  Everything in moderation... not that I have ever been very good at moderation.

Currently I am the healthiest I've probably ever been.  I have had the recent EKG to prove it. Chest pain caused either by too many planks and downward dogs at yoga or possibly from ripping apart pallets. Either way...the doc says I am in exceptional health.  A hundred years total life looks doable.

The one thing I totally need to do...is write. I have been painting and weaving. Thoughts to paper has been somewhat neglected. Heres to trying not to neglect doing the things I love and am passionate about. Passion is life!

2015

2015. Another year I thought at one time I would never see. Being in an apocalyptic cult has a funny way of defining how you see your future. So does being married. Particularly when not happily so. This past year has been an entire year of determining what I want. How I want my future to be. What I want to do. Ditching the relationship was hard but was overall an easy decision as it had been holding me back in many ways since the beginning. Funny how we do that to ourselves. Pack ourselves into a relationship that looks different than the last one but is much the same. I had always thought it was versions of my father that I married but now I find that it was a combination of the cult, one of my sisters, (yes the hateful one whose moods and behavior often shaped the atmosphere in my childhood home, with good reason I might add) and yes, my father, that I married. Twice. ...okay bit of a meander there. Anyway, ...oh ya, finding myself. For the most part I have generally been rather proud of how self aware I am, or had been or thought I had been would be more accurate. I am finding out just how molded this person who has made a point of not being molded has been. How could I not be? I have been wading my way through mounds of what "Is this really what I want to do?" Is this what I want?" "Is this something I do because I have been conditioned to?" The pile is deep. I am no stranger to self discovery as it has always been vitally important to me to be authentic and true to myself regardless as to what others thought much of my adult life. So it is still somewhat shocking to me to find that I did not have this as well in hand as I thought. Last year was the year of letting go...this will be the year of finding me. I expect the finding me part to last the rest of my life because I do not feel we are ever fully complete. There is always learning to do. Self discoveries to make. I think the best way to find ourselves is to give our hearts precedence over our brains, love ourselves and accept all that we are and all that we will be. Give others the same acceptance and non-judgement. For that is love. This year I will find myself in the process of losing myself.