Sunny Saturdays...

Shouldn't I be at a beach?? Maybe, but at the moment I feel like I should be right here in front of my computer filling a previously blank screen with text. I want to sit with my recent epiphanies and express my joy at personal awakening.What better space for that than this one? I've always been better with written word than spoken. Surprising I'm sure. (insert eye roll) Yes, I am aware that I also have always definitely been a tiny bit of a big mouth. I have to tell you though I am finding peace in my solitude. I have become less vocal or rather discerningly vocal. Running a cost benefit analysis prior to speaking. Goes much the same for social media. Oh I have my days, if its something that I might be particularly passionate about and there is a possibility to influence reasoning and exploration of ones thoughts, a willingness on the part of the reader to see all sides. Alas, there are few opportunities. And since I am no longer editing my online dating profiles, I have some time to explore and share my thoughts and have chosen this medium to do so. Lucky you.

Here is my Saturday thought. While I have been saying for sometime that we chose to be happy, that happiness is a conscious choice we make, the truth of this came clearer to my mind today. There is a part of me that does wish perhaps I wasn't spending the day alone and I have to acknowledge her, because she is the scared little girl. Sounds a bit backwards doesn't it? Isn't the scared one the one who doesn't go out? Nope. The scared one is the one whose demons are obvious to only a few of her closest friends and are such that she must face them alone.The ones that are silent when I'm distracted by the company of others. The ones that tweak and niggle begging for attention with constant tapping from the inside of my skull only when I am alone. The what ifs, whys, should haves, could haves. They interrupt my peace and joy, needlessly. I've battled these demons many times in their iterations as flashbacks, anxiety, migraines, weight gain, etc. I won those battles, but those who know will agree, you never beat your demons. Eventually you sign a treatise and make peace. Then one day you become best buds because those demons have your back. You find creative, hopefully legal, ways to keep them happy. They become your radar and when they blip on the screen of your mind you acknowledge them but instead of reacting without thought now you sit back and go "Hmm. Interesting. How about that! Why is that there? How did it get there? ...ahhh. I know where that is from." You take note, explore it and then decide if it warrants a red flag or a green one. (...sorry rambling, I know...I always have to take the circle route). Point being that you make a conscious choice based on that process. And that choice is a decision to be happy. Because we cannot control or change any external factors that are not ours to control or change. And what we cannot not control or change needs not be worried about. Acknowledged, yes. Determine importance, whether or not it may be within our power or influence. Better yet, do we even want it to be? Is it going to matter in a week, a year, tomorrow? How do we actually feel about it, in our gut? Is is a good vibe or a bad vibe? Write it down then let it go, because really, the most important part of validation is acknowledgement. And we can get that from ourselves rather than seeking it elsewhere. Once we are able to do that... then we are happy. All it comes down to is choice.
Peace, love and rainbows.

Friday night contemplation...

...so here I sit in the big city, in front of my computer instead of out in the sunshine, or finding my way to a club. Not going on a date, or out to do any number of other things. Why is that? Oh I've done plenty since I arrived. When I want to I wander, the streets, the park, Metrotown, downtown ...I do go out. I am just no longer in a rush to experience all that I can. I'm no longer that coiled spring under tension from circumstance that once released goes off like a rocket. I've found my pace. Thankfully it took far shorter a period of time than it did when I was 18. The second 'teenager leaving home feeling' has dissipated and I'm feeling grounded. Being in a space I can call my own helps I'm sure. And knowing I don't have to move for at least a year or worry about work also helps!

Unfortunately being settled means I now have time to over think, over analyze and other wise torment myself with my inner critic. That little voice that still says "you're not good enough" "nobody is going to love you the way you are" "you're too this" "you're not enough that" blah blah blah ad nauseum. Yes, me. That strong confident women who endured and finally left two bad marriages. That vocal woman who has no problem waving a rainbow flag and speaking her mind in public. That woman who earned a Bachelor's Degree while working full time and as a homemaker.Yes, THAT woman struggles with insecurity, low self esteem, PTSD and anxiety. Understand I do recognize how awesome I am. I am not unaware that I have been a voice for many, an inspiration even. I can at times be arrogant in recognition of my intellect. My education. My work accomplishments. My creative abilities. And yet, yes, I struggle with the feeling of inadequacy and the fear of ending up alone for the rest of my life. Ridiculous right?

So what is the point of this... I guess the point is that I am happy to finally be at a place in my life where I do my best to be fully aware of who I am, of both my accomplishments and my failures. To take responsibility for how I feel. To step back and assess before I react. To make a conscious effort to recognize the inner critic for who she is ... a frightened little girl out in the big bad world. To tell her its going be okay...we've been here before and we did just fine. We did better than fine... for look at where we are now. " Yeah. Sitting at home alone on a Friday night in front of a computer writing this," she laughs.

...and that friends is why it's called 'Distracted Ramblings...' You're welcome. The cedar is calling me. Peace, love and rainbows.

Paint, words, holes.

My paintings of late have continued to employ intensifying spirals and swirls. Roots and thorns protruding, flashes of electricity and synapses connecting a diverse array of eyes, irises and pupils, a play of shadows and light. Symbols of life and death, growth and decay, phases and layers, never ending and ever deepening cycles. Such is life. Particularly so for the person who has been set free of oppression, both external and internal, real and imagined. We can find a rabbit hole of discovery in every experience, each smile, bite, nibble, outright pain and melancholic moment, intense orgasmic joy, mutual peruse and the like. We feel everything, often immensely, and yet detach ourselves from those feelings and any expectations arising from them. Purposely much of the time, so that we can observe our own feelings from a distance. We sit with them, question them, seek our triggers, discover the roots, clip the thorns, accept full responsibility for them, for they are ours and we own them. Every. Single. One. 

When I paint I immerse myself in those feelings and express them as best I can in the form of color and shades of light and shadow. My paint brush guiding the flow, providing texture and fluidity with each stroke. My writing …well …here you are reading it for yourself. Each word chosen specifically to express the depth of the feeling being observed. Exploring the dimensions within the often superficial apex of the rabbit hole. Even the choosing of the exact word is in and of itself a bunny jump.

So here I sit on a sunny but breezy Saturday in my new digs in New West, in front of my computer screen. Not that I'm not enjoying the weather from my perch in front of my large kitchen window. I find it comforting to watch the play of the sunlight on the branches of the cedar that grows in the neighbor's yard. The pale blue sky clear except for the stream left by another flight arriving or leaving YVR. I love this oasis of solitude within the ordered chaos that lies just beyond my view from behind the glass. 

As I have both plenty and nothing to do this afternoon, I will stop at this juncture. This fork in the road... but suffice to say... the words are flowing again. Peace, love and rainbows.

It's a New Life...

Here I am ... in the city. Six months already and finally in my own place after staying with my child and her girlfriend. If there was ever a time when I felt that the world was my oyster it is now. The joy I feel being here can't be measured. I definitely needed a change of environment, people, views, and pace. The feeling of being surrounded yet still alone is enigmatically consoling. The anonymity one can only find when surrounded by a sea of people. I have a rejuvenated motivation to write. Something I haven't felt like doing in a long while. A certain amount of heart break always helps motivate my writing. Remind me to thank my muses.