My youngest is off to college today...and all I could think of at bedtime last night was how well she used to fit in my lap and ... how I wish I could hold her there still. She is admittedly a bit big for it now, I have a small lap. I miss my oldest everyday, now the day has come for my youngest to go , sooner than expected and somehow even though my husband is here beside me I can't help but feel alone.
Last night I dreamt of two little girls that needed me, the same difference in age as my two, I dreamt of holding them on my lap, playing with them...they were not mine as I was the same age I am now in my dream. I do not know who's they were, all I know was they needed someone to care for them and that someone got to be me. I remember feeling so privledged that these two girls wanted to sit in my lap. They hugged, smiled, laughed and played with me. I miss when my girls were small and I was all they needed. No matter what they will always be my little girls, and when I look at them I still picture Alysha with curls to die for andher mischevious smile, especially when she had a small defenseless animal in her arms and Ileah with her small voice, quick feet and 'I'm doing it MY way' attitude.
It has always been us against the world especially after I left my religion and my first marriage broke up. I know they will not really be that far away, just a Skype call and a 2 hour plane ride... they are grown up and need to go out on their own and find their own way... its not us against the world anymore. They will go out and take on the world and I know they will do well and the world will be better for their contributions to it. Still ... I can't help but feel a little bit like I am on MY own once again. It seems I have needed them as much, and maybe more than they have needed me..they have taught me so much. Hopefully enough that I too can go out and face the world. It is time for them to test their wings and I guess I better be dusting mine off... it seems I have to start using them again.
(Don't worry honey, I'm not going anywhere...but I am getting into politics...and for that, I'm gonna need my wings.)
Monday 7 November 2011
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Angry Blogging
Yep that is what I do. Something pisses me off or irritates me I blog or post. And, yes, that is why I am blogging now. So this is a bit of an opening disclaimer that what I am about to share is bound to piss someone else off that I have shared it, or offend someone because of it's anti-Christian overtones and apostate leanings. Disclaimer complete, read at your own risk.
Having once been a zealous participant of the Jehovah's Witnesses I am well aware of their teachings and understand why many act the way they do. I understand why I am disfellowshipped. Okay, I get it. What I don't get is how a family that says they love you can dismiss you as though dead. Franky, I never did get this. I ALWAYS thought this was unloving. I had many discussions (read: arguments) regarding this treatment and also regarding what apostasy is. Real definition versus the Jehovah's Witness one. What my family fails to realize is that when one leaves the religion they do not all of a sudden lose all that they felt, experienced, thought they knew. That "knowledge" does not just disappear whether or not they want to believe that to be the case. I am not caged by satan, god's spirit did not leave me, one cannot lose what one did not have in the first place and one cannot be trapped by something that does not exist. Now I really do not want to get into that can of worms, but nonetheless, the JW position is that once those who leave are out they no longer have Jehovah's spirit and are, thus blinded by Satan. I say that once you are on the outside you quickly find out how wrong the JW's are. Contrary to what JW leaders would have their followers believe, few of those on the outside are these bad horrible people they want you to believe they are. In fact I have known nastier far more dishonest people on the inside than I ever did on the outside. I think that once you truly open your mind and ignore the JW thought police, read new books (not necessarily Ray Franz either, I have yet to read Crisis of Conscience and have little desire to do so), think new thoughts, do some of that inherently evil independent thinking, then you find out the real truth. That they don't have it, no one does and JW's wouldn't know what love is if it ran over them. I tried after I returned to really come to grips with what I knew as a "worldly" person with what I was to believe as a JW and it was always very difficult for me to come to terms with the notion that all those who were not JWs would die at Armageddon (yes they do in fact teach this!). I was even once told that because I did not believe that I did not love god. If that's how god feels about his supposed creation then what's to love??
So...the reason why I have gone off on this tangent is because I have two sisters who are pregnant and I found out through a Facebook posting. I do not even warrant a phone call or an email. Repeatedly I have been told how MY actions have hurt them ... yet I am not the one who chooses not to speak to them. I followed my heart and my conscience and chose honesty over hypocrisy and I am hurting them. You know maybe I am hurting them. Part of me wants to shun THEM and say fuck you and fuck off. And another part of me misses them dearly everyday and so very much wishes we could be close. I wish to know my nieces and nephews and I am sorry to have missed out on so much. Yet at the same time I feel more sorry that THEY are stuck in a place that discourages freedom and encourages them to treat their family members in such a hateful manner all in the name of a god that asks you to sacrifice your children to gain his approval. I know my family will not see it that way and that renders me powerless to change it. I hate feeling powerless more than anything.
On the upside, I am so glad to have raised my girls outside of that unhealthy situation and to have found and shared with them the freedom to grow and to love freely and unconditionally. I am so happy that they have the freedom to be who they are, to live honestly, to be true to themselves and I would have it no other way.
Having once been a zealous participant of the Jehovah's Witnesses I am well aware of their teachings and understand why many act the way they do. I understand why I am disfellowshipped. Okay, I get it. What I don't get is how a family that says they love you can dismiss you as though dead. Franky, I never did get this. I ALWAYS thought this was unloving. I had many discussions (read: arguments) regarding this treatment and also regarding what apostasy is. Real definition versus the Jehovah's Witness one. What my family fails to realize is that when one leaves the religion they do not all of a sudden lose all that they felt, experienced, thought they knew. That "knowledge" does not just disappear whether or not they want to believe that to be the case. I am not caged by satan, god's spirit did not leave me, one cannot lose what one did not have in the first place and one cannot be trapped by something that does not exist. Now I really do not want to get into that can of worms, but nonetheless, the JW position is that once those who leave are out they no longer have Jehovah's spirit and are, thus blinded by Satan. I say that once you are on the outside you quickly find out how wrong the JW's are. Contrary to what JW leaders would have their followers believe, few of those on the outside are these bad horrible people they want you to believe they are. In fact I have known nastier far more dishonest people on the inside than I ever did on the outside. I think that once you truly open your mind and ignore the JW thought police, read new books (not necessarily Ray Franz either, I have yet to read Crisis of Conscience and have little desire to do so), think new thoughts, do some of that inherently evil independent thinking, then you find out the real truth. That they don't have it, no one does and JW's wouldn't know what love is if it ran over them. I tried after I returned to really come to grips with what I knew as a "worldly" person with what I was to believe as a JW and it was always very difficult for me to come to terms with the notion that all those who were not JWs would die at Armageddon (yes they do in fact teach this!). I was even once told that because I did not believe that I did not love god. If that's how god feels about his supposed creation then what's to love??
So...the reason why I have gone off on this tangent is because I have two sisters who are pregnant and I found out through a Facebook posting. I do not even warrant a phone call or an email. Repeatedly I have been told how MY actions have hurt them ... yet I am not the one who chooses not to speak to them. I followed my heart and my conscience and chose honesty over hypocrisy and I am hurting them. You know maybe I am hurting them. Part of me wants to shun THEM and say fuck you and fuck off. And another part of me misses them dearly everyday and so very much wishes we could be close. I wish to know my nieces and nephews and I am sorry to have missed out on so much. Yet at the same time I feel more sorry that THEY are stuck in a place that discourages freedom and encourages them to treat their family members in such a hateful manner all in the name of a god that asks you to sacrifice your children to gain his approval. I know my family will not see it that way and that renders me powerless to change it. I hate feeling powerless more than anything.
On the upside, I am so glad to have raised my girls outside of that unhealthy situation and to have found and shared with them the freedom to grow and to love freely and unconditionally. I am so happy that they have the freedom to be who they are, to live honestly, to be true to themselves and I would have it no other way.
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