The Way Forward...

This past year has been about burning bridges and lighting my way... with my own inner light. It has been about recognizing my darkness and embracing it. It has been about learning that I don't really know who I am. I am an amalgamation of my journey and my journey has been a winding path of repeated self-destruction. I have allowed two marriages to eat me whole until there was barely a thread. Fortunately near the end of both relationships I have found people who have had the ability to tug on that thread and bring me back to life. Those are the people I am truly grateful for. Those who accept me without judgement, all of who I am and who I may end up being no matter who that is. Those who have shown me that love does not eat you alive. It energizes, refreshes and encourages growth. It does not stagnate, control, possess obsessively, and insist on its own way. True love liberates and frees. It watches with joy as you find your way and relishes in your happiness in whatever form that comes in. Love does not box you in a cage. It insists that you fly. And that love starts with yourself. My way forward will be accepting love in whatever form it appears. Loving myself and all that I am and all that I will be. I will not be boxed by societal norms, by the judgements or supposed morals of others. I will travel my individual journey in a way I see fit. I will feel, love, create, and follow my passions where ever they may be. I will live MY authentic life. Life is short...I will grab it by the horns and ride until I'm thrown...then I will get up and grab those horns again.

Closing of a Chapter

On Friday I said goodbye to a long time friend. I had to choose whether to hang on or to let go. To end his suffering or to try to get him to stay a bit longer. I let him go. There was little to no hope for his survival and when hope is gone its time to let go. It was not a difficult choice. I cannot help but think that this letting go was part of closing the chapter on my marriage. I knew it was over, everything but the paperwork. As I knew when we drove Thor to the vet that it was the end. A friend suggested I needed a ritual to let go of my marriage, for me, saying goodbye and crying tears for Thor, my rottie, was ritual enough. He came to us right after our honeymoon it is fitting that he left us shortly after I left my husband. The last two months he finally received the most consistent positive attention. He finally had a yard to hang out in and that is what he did. He represented both the good and the toxic of my marriage. He was supposedly loved but had no freedom. He gave nothing but love and sought approval and got little in return from the person he wanted it the most. I am grateful that he had the last two months to sleep at the foot of my bed where he always wanted to be. Could play freely and safely in a large yard with Bella. He sat on the deck and took in his surroundings. He lay on the furniture and at my feet while I watched tv. No one yelled at him to get to the porch or go to his bed. He went outside when he wanted. I am going to miss him as I might occasionally miss the presence of another while married but I know that he suffered much of his short life as did my marriage and it was time to let go. Like my marriage I will think of the good and the lessons. Thor's greatest lesson to me is to love completely... but when shit goes sideways ... let go, embrace change and enjoy the new yard. <3