...so here I sit in the big city, in front of my computer instead of out in the sunshine, or finding my way to a club. Not going on a date, or out to do any number of other things. Why is that? Oh I've done plenty since I arrived. When I want to I wander, the streets, the park, Metrotown, downtown ...I do go out. I am just no longer in a rush to experience all that I can. I'm no longer that coiled spring under tension from circumstance that once released goes off like a rocket. I've found my pace. Thankfully it took far shorter a period of time than it did when I was 18. The second 'teenager leaving home feeling' has dissipated and I'm feeling grounded. Being in a space I can call my own helps I'm sure. And knowing I don't have to move for at least a year or worry about work also helps!
Unfortunately being settled means I now have time to over think, over analyze and other wise torment myself with my inner critic. That little voice that still says "you're not good enough" "nobody is going to love you the way you are" "you're too this" "you're not enough that" blah blah blah ad nauseum. Yes, me. That strong confident women who endured and finally left two bad marriages. That vocal woman who has no problem waving a rainbow flag and speaking her mind in public. That woman who earned a Bachelor's Degree while working full time and as a homemaker.Yes, THAT woman struggles with insecurity, low self esteem, PTSD and anxiety. Understand I do recognize how awesome I am. I am not unaware that I have been a voice for many, an inspiration even. I can at times be arrogant in recognition of my intellect. My education. My work accomplishments. My creative abilities. And yet, yes, I struggle with the feeling of inadequacy and the fear of ending up alone for the rest of my life. Ridiculous right?
So what is the point of this... I guess the point is that I am happy to finally be at a place in my life where I do my best to be fully aware of who I am, of both my accomplishments and my failures. To take responsibility for how I feel. To step back and assess before I react. To make a conscious effort to recognize the inner critic for who she is ... a frightened little girl out in the big bad world. To tell her its going be okay...we've been here before and we did just fine. We did better than fine... for look at where we are now. " Yeah. Sitting at home alone on a Friday night in front of a computer writing this," she laughs.
...and that friends is why it's called 'Distracted Ramblings...' You're welcome. The cedar is calling me. Peace, love and rainbows.
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