My Baby leaves Today...

My youngest is off to college today...and all I could think of at bedtime last night was how well she used to fit in my lap and ... how I wish I could hold her there still. She is admittedly a bit big for it now, I have a small lap. I miss my oldest everyday, now the day has come for my youngest to go , sooner than expected and somehow even though my husband is here beside me I can't help but feel alone.

Last night I dreamt of two little girls that needed me, the same difference in age as my two, I dreamt of holding them on my lap, playing with them...they were not mine as I was the same age I am now in my dream. I do not know who's they were, all I know was they needed someone to care for them and that someone got to be me. I remember feeling so privledged that these two girls wanted to sit in my lap. They hugged, smiled, laughed and played with me. I miss when my girls were small and I was all they needed. No matter what they will always be my little girls, and when I look at them I still picture Alysha with curls to die for andher mischevious smile, especially when she had a small defenseless animal in her arms and Ileah with her small voice, quick feet and  'I'm doing it MY way' attitude.

It has always been us against the world especially after I left my religion and my first marriage broke up. I know they will not really be that far away, just a Skype call and a 2 hour plane ride... they are grown up and need to go out on their own and find their own way... its not us against the world anymore. They will go out and take on the world and I know they will do well and the world will be better for their contributions to it. Still ... I can't help but feel a little bit like I am on MY own once again. It seems I have needed them as much, and maybe more than they have needed me..they have taught me so much. Hopefully enough that I too can go out and face the world. It is time for them to test their wings and I guess I better be dusting mine off... it seems I have to start using them again.

(Don't worry honey, I'm not going anywhere...but I am getting into politics...and for that, I'm gonna need my wings.)