More Rambling...

It would appear I am repetitive.  No real surprise there. I take it as a reminder to myself to continue on this journey I am on.
I have many plans for my future which include continued growth, regular yoga sessions, exercise and repeat trips to Seattle.  I intend to paint, draw, weave, build, refinish, create and recreate. I will do whatever the fuck I want to.

I am thinking "whatever the fuck I want to" should probably not include smoking cigars. Me and my addictive personality. (Note to self: you have already quit smoking twice...third time is a charm. Let's make it stick. My poor lungs.) It may include dancing naked in the moonlight...in the privacy of my own home of course. And let's face it...with a glass of red wine an occasional cigar goes pretty damn good.  Everything in moderation... not that I have ever been very good at moderation.

Currently I am the healthiest I've probably ever been.  I have had the recent EKG to prove it. Chest pain caused either by too many planks and downward dogs at yoga or possibly from ripping apart pallets. Either way...the doc says I am in exceptional health.  A hundred years total life looks doable.

The one thing I totally need to do...is write. I have been painting and weaving. Thoughts to paper has been somewhat neglected. Heres to trying not to neglect doing the things I love and am passionate about. Passion is life!

2015

2015. Another year I thought at one time I would never see. Being in an apocalyptic cult has a funny way of defining how you see your future. So does being married. Particularly when not happily so. This past year has been an entire year of determining what I want. How I want my future to be. What I want to do. Ditching the relationship was hard but was overall an easy decision as it had been holding me back in many ways since the beginning. Funny how we do that to ourselves. Pack ourselves into a relationship that looks different than the last one but is much the same. I had always thought it was versions of my father that I married but now I find that it was a combination of the cult, one of my sisters, (yes the hateful one whose moods and behavior often shaped the atmosphere in my childhood home, with good reason I might add) and yes, my father, that I married. Twice. ...okay bit of a meander there. Anyway, ...oh ya, finding myself. For the most part I have generally been rather proud of how self aware I am, or had been or thought I had been would be more accurate. I am finding out just how molded this person who has made a point of not being molded has been. How could I not be? I have been wading my way through mounds of what "Is this really what I want to do?" Is this what I want?" "Is this something I do because I have been conditioned to?" The pile is deep. I am no stranger to self discovery as it has always been vitally important to me to be authentic and true to myself regardless as to what others thought much of my adult life. So it is still somewhat shocking to me to find that I did not have this as well in hand as I thought. Last year was the year of letting go...this will be the year of finding me. I expect the finding me part to last the rest of my life because I do not feel we are ever fully complete. There is always learning to do. Self discoveries to make. I think the best way to find ourselves is to give our hearts precedence over our brains, love ourselves and accept all that we are and all that we will be. Give others the same acceptance and non-judgement. For that is love. This year I will find myself in the process of losing myself.

The Way Forward...

This past year has been about burning bridges and lighting my way... with my own inner light. It has been about recognizing my darkness and embracing it. It has been about learning that I don't really know who I am. I am an amalgamation of my journey and my journey has been a winding path of repeated self-destruction. I have allowed two marriages to eat me whole until there was barely a thread. Fortunately near the end of both relationships I have found people who have had the ability to tug on that thread and bring me back to life. Those are the people I am truly grateful for. Those who accept me without judgement, all of who I am and who I may end up being no matter who that is. Those who have shown me that love does not eat you alive. It energizes, refreshes and encourages growth. It does not stagnate, control, possess obsessively, and insist on its own way. True love liberates and frees. It watches with joy as you find your way and relishes in your happiness in whatever form that comes in. Love does not box you in a cage. It insists that you fly. And that love starts with yourself. My way forward will be accepting love in whatever form it appears. Loving myself and all that I am and all that I will be. I will not be boxed by societal norms, by the judgements or supposed morals of others. I will travel my individual journey in a way I see fit. I will feel, love, create, and follow my passions where ever they may be. I will live MY authentic life. Life is short...I will grab it by the horns and ride until I'm thrown...then I will get up and grab those horns again.

Closing of a Chapter

On Friday I said goodbye to a long time friend. I had to choose whether to hang on or to let go. To end his suffering or to try to get him to stay a bit longer. I let him go. There was little to no hope for his survival and when hope is gone its time to let go. It was not a difficult choice. I cannot help but think that this letting go was part of closing the chapter on my marriage. I knew it was over, everything but the paperwork. As I knew when we drove Thor to the vet that it was the end. A friend suggested I needed a ritual to let go of my marriage, for me, saying goodbye and crying tears for Thor, my rottie, was ritual enough. He came to us right after our honeymoon it is fitting that he left us shortly after I left my husband. The last two months he finally received the most consistent positive attention. He finally had a yard to hang out in and that is what he did. He represented both the good and the toxic of my marriage. He was supposedly loved but had no freedom. He gave nothing but love and sought approval and got little in return from the person he wanted it the most. I am grateful that he had the last two months to sleep at the foot of my bed where he always wanted to be. Could play freely and safely in a large yard with Bella. He sat on the deck and took in his surroundings. He lay on the furniture and at my feet while I watched tv. No one yelled at him to get to the porch or go to his bed. He went outside when he wanted. I am going to miss him as I might occasionally miss the presence of another while married but I know that he suffered much of his short life as did my marriage and it was time to let go. Like my marriage I will think of the good and the lessons. Thor's greatest lesson to me is to love completely... but when shit goes sideways ... let go, embrace change and enjoy the new yard. <3

" Do Not Lean Upon Your Own Understanding" ... I Call B*llsh*t.

That's correct. I call bullshit. I say that the only understanding you should lean on is your own. Now this is not to say you shouldn't listen to advice or acquire knowledge. Or that you shouldn't weigh the opinions of those who have a different perspective than your own. What I do mean is only YOU know what you like, what feels right, what twists your guts and what doesn't and when that twisting means something is good or bad. We each contain the necessaries for our own happiness. We need to know ourselves and this means alone time. Allowing time to determine what we have done out of habit and whether or not those are actually things we WANT to do. "Do not lean upon your own understanding" is a scriptural reference that is used to fit you into a preconceived control box. To control the morality of the masses. Fuck that. I never fit in that box and I certainly don't intend to start now. The bible is the shittiest tool ever for determining morality. Slavery good, rape first then marry, but homosexuality is bad. Only a petty god would say "love me the way I want or I will send you to hell". And quite frankly, that phrase pretty much explains my entire married life. So I'm out...on my own to figure out myself. What I like. What I want. And I'm going to lean upon my own understanding, once I figure out what that is, whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. Cheers.

My Current Rant.

In this era of social media, where we all have our phones in our hands, it seems nothing is private. I have no real issue with this. I have always tried to maintain an open book policy for my life. However, my recent break up has showed me that what I thought should be a given, that my space and private life is mine, in the very small town I live in, isn't. It would seem that no place is more full of small minded gossipers than a small town. Hello people...we have the internet!! A gateway to knowledge of worldly things! Or other worldly things! Of amazing life elsewhere! Of Science! Of alternative energies! Of self help programs, yoga, religions, ancient artifacts, dreams, tarot, magic, astrology, recipes, cats etc. etc. the list is endless!!! As a self proclaimed explorer of all things interesting and philosophical I am still astounded by the need for people to make shit up when they do not know! Speculating about peoples private lives. I for one give not one fuck if the next door neighbor takes more than the usual interest in his goats as long as he is not harming them. If he smokes pot, if his adult female cousin visits too often, or male cousin...or whatever.  If it harm none do what you will. Unless there is clearly harm being done particularly in a criminal sense then it is their business NOT mine. I do not judge. Everyone has their shit. EVERYONE.
I care only about my own life and my backyard and what happens with it. I find those who spend time worrying about the lives of others have somehow misplaced their own. This makes me sad. Because it is a testament to the epidemic apathy that keeps folks from getting involved, from voting, from speaking up about important issues that affect our children's and grand-children's futures on this planet, from expanding their minds, from seeing what is really happening around them.  It makes me sad because it stifles and stunts growth of the mental kind. The kind of growth that allows us to rise above petty shit and truly live a full life. One of love and joy.  Of happiness that comes from within and is not easily swayed by the constant rollercoaster of external events. The kind of happiness that comes from living authentically and from being self aware. We only get one kick at the can, one life to live. ...I know I am going to do my best not to waste mine worrying about what people think of me and I am most certainly not going to waste it worrying about what other folks do in their daily lives. To sum up, my business is my business. I do what I do, I am what I am. How I chose to spend my time is up to me and I refuse to be subjected to the morals of those traditional type folks who think they know how others should live their lives. If your life is so fucking great what are you doing spending time speculating about mine or anyone else's?  Get living your own. 

Letting Go...

Until my recent break up, I left after 12 years of being together and nearly 10 years of marriage, I had no idea what "letting go" truly meant. I had a notion that it was releasing anger over unimportant things. I now understand that it is so much more than that. I have a clearer picture of what I hold on to, often obsessively. For example, I am notoriously bad for keeping every text ever sent me. At least, I used to. Part of letting go was deleting ALL of them. After saving the vital contact information and personal photo, of course.

My promise to myself is to live in the present moment as fully as I can. To help fulfill this promise I intend to treat each day as brand new. Each morning I will delete ALL of my text messages from the previous day. I do not want to spend anymore time obsessively reviewing past conversations that I can not change.  I do not want to spend precious time wishing I had said this or that. I will just let it go...

...next is my email!