Heartache and the need to write...

Like the first 40 or so years of the last century, the world is once again looking at a maelstrom of social issues and wars. Culture wars online, information wars, all that feed the physical war and pharma machine. Ukrainians suffer horrendously and the League of Nations... er... UN refuses to remove the aggressor from the Security Council while far right groups the world over suck up the ruZzian propaganda with bloodthirsty straws from the safety of their Western basements. And how in this day and age ANYONE cannot see that the ruZzians are committing atrocity after atrocity, genocide of both Ukrainians and Syrians ...speaks volumes to the hold on hubris so many have. 

In Canada the gender wars are getting heated with hate propaganda and misinformation fomenting both sides. Soon to come is round two of the Covid wars. Lockdowns and vaccinations coercion possible? How will they handle the backlash this time? Here too, is an attack on individual rights and a challenge to democracy. It is becoming more apparent every day, yet hard core deniers on both sides have drawn their lines in the sand. All I freaking wish is we would fucking learn. That our leaders would have integrity when it comes to the democracies they are supposed to lead. Listen to the voices! As a country we value and encourage diversity but the pendulum has swung too far and the swing back is always faster than the push upwards. It going to be a ride. What a time to be alive. 

That said... this shit takes it's toll on both my mind and my body. So I write... because it is getting too heavy to carry. 

Grief from the loss of my mama at a very young age has long knocked from the box I learned to keep it in. Far back in a deep corner of my mind not to be touched except in the most superficial of ways. I would accept no pity as a young adult, even now no sympathy required. For me it was just a fact of life. The matter of fact manner I accepted her death was both due to being a witness to it and a month away from 4 years old. It has been my dark friend all of my life. But I try not to spend much time with her. With all the global chaos and now with Oscar gone on walk about she's knocking a lot harder than usual. So I am sitting with her for a bit and reminding her as always...All will be well. All will be well. All manner of things will be well.

Thank you for reading. And if you cross paths with Oscar let him know his fur-mom misses him like crazy and he should come home now. 

Peace, love and rainbows. 

Pan Braised Tuna Steaks ...Dinner with a Friend

First the recipe: 

Pan Braised Tuna Steaks 

 

P.S. I use a gas stove. I am not sure I could achieve the same success otherwise. But I know cooks who can...so it's doable on an electric stove, apparently.

On the day I made this meal my bestie and I spent the hot, sunny afternoon on my deck. A cool mist spraying from the hose occasionally yet pleasantly interrupted our animated conversation. The thing I love about my beautiful friend is their calm and peaceful manner underneath of which simmers a fierce intolerance for any potentially harmful actions that may be perpetrated in their or their loved ones direction. Our conversations run the gamut from the current geopolitical situation to alien life and how totally strange human beings are. Always our own constant internal struggles and personal growth are topics for discussion. This human has helped me grow in so many ways. Fed me encouragement, love, acceptance and especially tolerance for all of my idiosyncrasies. The least I can do is cook a good meal and bask in the glory of their company. 

Rock on, peace, love, rainbows and unicorns. (Imagine emoticons.)

Copyright @natj333  #natj333 #natscreations 

So it's 2021 ... Time to Re-new My Blog

Good gawd where has the time gone?? So much has happened since I last published. I have numerous unfinished drafts from 2019...thank you ADHD. I may post them later with updates on the subject matter... that might actually be interesting, to me at least. I have been aching to write but have had some trouble determining which medium gives me the most bang for my time and it is my blog where I am most inspired to share. Not that book plans are out the window, but do I really want to write it with a 1945 Underwood? If I do my book is going to look more like a collage. Which I can actually envision in not an entirely displeasing way. And the pen doesn't seem fast enough for my flow of thought, especially with my penchant for neatness and insistence upon writing in cursive. So new keyboard with retro typewriter keys and a slot for my Surface Pro and my phone when I am working. I like it. A combination of old and new. 

Anyway... here we are smack dab in the middle of a global pandemic. Enough about that. It is what it is and it will be until humanity learns. That over which I have no control I endeavor not to worry about. Other than the events in East Ukraine that is. But that is another subject into which I would rather not delve. I started this blog again to share my goal of increasing the zen in my life and to address those pesky residues of Complex PTSD. My intention is to be open about experiences in my life in an effort to help others who may relate. Share tidbits of my internal struggles. Possibly illicit thought provoking emotional reactions. Whichever suits.

Although I normally despise labels, I will use 'ADHD' and 'Complex PTSD' as I have struggled with all of the classic symptoms at different times for good reason and both types of mental health issues are well defined and familiar. I had a diagnosis for PTSD years ago but have never been on prescribed medication for it. That and unless I need emergency surgery I typically avoid doctors. As for the ADHD I in no way consider it a hindrance and am amazed not everyone works the way I do. But it's a handy excuse sometimes, am I right? In my view, it is merely a different way of looking at the world and those who can't see what we see need us for perspective. And visa versa. We need boots on the ground people on our side to keep us flying off only the universe knows where. 

As well, for those who are interested I will be sharing recipes I have come up with that are gluten and wheat, rye or barley and their bi-products free. I am an undiagnosed celiac. (See the previous post for an explanation.) I eat whole food as much as possible and have generally a paleo/keto/whole30 type diet. I am currently trying to do whole30 but meh ...seemingly arbitrary rules. I hates them. I am only human and as most of us are, doing the best I can in an overwhelming world.

 Fuck sakes... I digress. 

The entire point of my post was to share my intention to downsize my material possessions, including my books (....ouch!!), to only those items that give me a 'fuck yes' feeling. Simple. If I have to think about it, why do I have it? I am also determined to live smaller and larger at the same time. Smaller footprint, more life. So I actually sold my Walking Dead Vol.1-3, my entire Dark Tower series and am weeding out the rest of my extensive Stephen King collection. Stephen King got me through some of the most difficult years of my life and even considering getting rid of them is a bit of a shock to my system. I know there are few I would read again, and I have read them all, some of them many times. The Stand stays. Along with the collection that includes The Long Walk, those are hands down my favorite and I have read them many times. And I will read them again. Stephen King got me through so much I can't even ...but perhaps it is time to leave some dark things behind. 

I am, henceforth, manifesting our future vision. One day I may share what it is. What I will do is share some of my journey with you lovely readers. I have a need to journal and have long been encouraged to share my story ... boom. Journal blog. Daily entries unlikely but we shall see where this ride takes us. Stick with me if you can, it may get interesting. Beware, allegories and metaphors ahead.

(Disclaimer: much of this post was written in February 2021. Procrastination is a symptom of ADHD. Just saying.)

Rock on, peace, love, rainbows and unicorns.(Imagine emoticons.)

Copyright @natj333 @natanis333 #natj333 #natscreations #natanis333 

Starting fresh for the bazillionth time...

 If there is one thing I should be used to by now it is change. Especially my own self-directed change, not so randomly burning bridges while in survival mode. Now as things change, it is coming from a deeper desire to be a better, healthier human so I can live to be 100 years old. My PIC and I have future goals and plans. Our home life has now calmed down to a harmonious and healthy peace from which we can better move forward. 

For the past decade or so I have endeavored to eat healthy and maintain a primarily gluten-free diet. I am an undiagnosed celiac who suffers from dermatitis herpetiformis. Before taking issue with the 'undiagnosed' part, research first.

I will say this though; at the beginning of the Covid 19 pandemic I had the absolute worst breakout of the celiac rash I have ever had. It was 3 months of absolute torment to get it under some form of management. I could have had it diagnosed at that time, however it would not be considered urgent enough as the health system was dealing with the pandemic. Fortunately, I was primarily working from home and could manage the extreme discomfort. It took 6 months of absolute wheat, rye and barley free and clean eating, including the complete absence of grain alcohol before my skin quit blistering, itching and peeling. Minor contaminations became a week long ordeal of new blisters. My entire body other than the soles of my feet, my face and the palms of my hands have had blisters. At one point, for about the longest 3 weeks of my life, I had tiny erupting and insanely itchy blisters all over my body neck to ankles. 18 months of totally clean eating and I am rash free without a breakout for about 2 months now. I will never intentionally consume wheat, rye or barley and their many derivatives again. Which, by the way,  now makes a diagnosis impossible. One must have an active rash and/or have an intestinal biopsy after 6 weeks of eating wheat and gluten. NOT. FUCKING. HAPPENING. Besides, my lower intestine has surely begun healing along with my skin. 

So I have to be that person at the restaurant who makes sure that what I am ordering is totally gluten-free, wheat-free and free of any other possible exacerbating ingredients. For the most part my PIC actually harasses restaurant staff to ensure I don't get contaminated. He is well aware of the consequences of my eating even minute amounts of any wheat or gluten and all derivatives thereof. Mostly I don't do take out or restaurants and have to get creative in my own kitchen. For my own wellbeing and survival. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway...

I am now endeavoring to complete the wholefood 30 process again and it is a bit tough going. I do enjoy my after work ritual cigarillo and cocktail after all. The food isn't a problem, my nicotine addiction is, but only moderately. You know, 'all things in moderation, even moderation'. Life is too short to completely drop all the so called 'bad' stuff but self-control is necessary. So I am working on it. Thank the universe for nicotine inhalers.

To be frank, the psychological rules on the whole30 program are the most difficult for me to abide by. I despise them and thus rebel. If I want something 'breaded' and all ingredients are whole30 compliant, I will make it 'breaded' dammit! - such as in the recipe below, 'breaded' with ground almonds. Same with the banana & egg pancakes with fresh berries and coconut milk. (Recipe: 1 banana- mashed and blended with 1 or 2 eggs... that's it. Fry in a cast iron pan like pancakes, top with berries and canned coconut milk. Yummy sweetish treat and healthy breakfast.)

As part of working on it I made the absolute yummiest chicken strips! Because I have been cooking all of my life and like the old-fashioned methods of few ingredients and simple instructions, and rarely follow a recipe anyway, my recipes will be tailored for the seasoned cook, (who else despises recipe blog preambles?). Feast your eyes upon the following example: 

Almond Crusted Chicken Strips

dried rosemary, sage, marjoram, thyme, basil, ground hot chili pepper, pink Himalayan salt. ground pepper

        *grind together to taste (see photo)

finely chopped garlic and shallots, 2 eggs well-beaten

- add - raw chicken strips, and ground almonds - stir until well-coated

Fry in cast iron skillet at medium heat in ghee. 

I do realize that most folks do not work the way I do. So here is a picture of my ground spices:

Please note: as much as possible I use my own dried herbs.

In my view, the rest should be self-explanatory. Should it not be please comment with any questions  and I will answer them. 

This weekend I have worked on a number of food items to help transition to this new way of eating. Backyard berry picking, dried rosemary storing, mixed nuts and dried fruits preparing (see photo), and mentally preparing for the fruit crops soon to be ready and needing to be prepared for storage and eventual consumption, to name a few. My to-do list is long but full of small projects that my ADHD/PTSD addled mind can complete. (Fucking labels...more on that at a later time...maybe.) Cheers to actually being able to checkmark things as done on my to-do list. Baby steps...

Mixed fruit and nuts: 

walnuts, cashews, almonds - 1/2 pan roasted with ghee and pink Himalayan salt. Half not. 

chopped pitted dates, dried cranberries and chopped dried apricot. Shake in jar to mix.

Voila!! Whole30 approved snack!

I usually complete a post with an intention to write more and maintain a consistent ritual of blog posting to get me motivated to put together my book. It is one of my goals. However as part of my healthy transition I am determined that my extra-curricular activities be primarily those I wish to do, so no promises ...and the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as it is said. 

Rock on, peace, love, rainbows and unicorns (imagine emoticons). And as my PIC would say "Good health to you!" 

copyright @natj333 #natj333 #natscreations #whole30adventures #wholefood #cleaneating 

Cloudy Saturday Rambling (Old but currently relevant writing from 2017)

The last few months have shown me more than anything else how important it is to have this downtime with myself. I have the freedom to explore my feelings, about every damn thing. Maybe not every damn thing but certainly things that are impacting my life right now and how my instinctive reactions are triggered. The more aware we are of our triggers and our potentially destructive reactions to them the better we can manage our responses. To deliver them, or not, in healthy rather than toxic ways. As a person who has had a vast array of painful experiences from childhood throughout adulthood the greatest lesson I have learned to date is to always take responsibility for my actions and reactions. This means taking responsibility for my boundaries as well. I've long been a people pleaser within my personal relationships, personal boundaries have always been very difficult for me, to both set and maintain. I know this is rooted from my never being good enough as a child due primarily to the religious cult I was raised in. Can you imagine how this conflicted with my innate rebellious nature? I am the happy result. ;)
There is great freedom in knowing, accepting and loving who you are, all of it, demons and angels.
I also think that this is the only way to build real connections with others.

Flying in the face of the idea in this modern online messy dating world I believe that a real connection with someone will bring them back into your life or keep them there in some sense. We have many soul mates, those who speak with us at a soul level. If they do not then the connection was not real or a total disconnect was necessary for whatever reason. The reason does not matter. When the connection is real it remains. It is that text saying hi months after the last one. Or that flash of memory that brings a smile to your face. We are all here on individual journey's whether we want to be or not and we need to recognize that not all those who deeply touch our lives can continue with us on our journey in the manner in which we might desire. When we approach each relationship, each interaction as a learning opportunity without attachment to expectations we honor our own journey and the journey of those who stroll along our path for awhile. The only constant is change. Recognizing the impermanence of life is the key to letting go and letting be.  And most importantly, to doing so with love.

In My Mom's Memory

The events of the past two days have me thinking about my mom. How would she react if she knew her brothers and sisters and their children were treating us this way. She was indeed a Jehovah's Witness when she died. She was also educated and fiercely protective of her children. She did not live through the vast changes in JW doctrine. She thought we would never go to elementary school in this 'system of things'. How would she feel now? If she were a fly on the wall.

Perhaps this is the question my aunts, uncles and cousins should ask themselves. Her memory is a big part of family gatherings. She was the oldest and I her eldest child. My daughters are her grandchildren. How would she feel seeing the way we have been treated by her family??

I like to think that had she lived she would have been the freespirit I have been told repeatedly she was and would have recognized the utter garbage the religion espoused by her family is. Religious beliefs used by the family to sow guilt. Using the false promise of seeing her again on a 'paradise earth' to keep us towing the line. How would she feel about it if she could see us right now?

I am going to rest my emotionally weary head tonight easy with the knowing that she would not be pleased. And I like to think that she would be proud I have not used this lie to chain her grandchildren to this rubbish for any longer than I had. I KNOW my mother would be proud of my children and I, and of her siblings, not so much.

Chew on that.

Interesting Invite...

...I made assumptions, based on experience and knowledge, that the family BBQ was a no go zone for me. I saw the invite on Facebook awhile back but because I am out of touch and because of the previously noted assumptions I made no plans to go. Then...this afternoon at work, I get a call from an aunt. The kind of call that my response upon realizing who it was, is..."okay...who died?"  Because these people do not call me unless a family member is dead or dying. The ones from the past who are still tied to the apocalyptic cult better known as the Jehovah's Witnesses. Where I am known as an apostate. The worst of the worst of those who leave. Or at least it used to be. Thus my assumptions.
Which, it appears, are incorrect! Apparently while I was busy living my life some of the more hard core followers have loosened up a bit. I have watched over the years as many of my cousins have left so that those in are now outnumbered by those of us who are out. However, finding out that some of the older ones have loosened their views a bit has come as a surprise to me.

The call from my Aunt would suggest this is the case, as she is a hard core follower, a true believer, and yet she was the one who called to make sure I was aware that I was invited. Conversation regarding my surprise at this ensued. That and that no one was actually dead. Because apparently it is surprising that I would think that is the only reason they would call...well duh. Why else??
Anyway, to make a short story long... I am invited to the family BBQ and it is a "no drama" zone. A keep your individual beliefs to yourself and just be respectful and loving to all those who are there kind of gathering. Interesting!

To be fair, they have had these gatherings before, with those who are not in but also not 'out' to the extent I am. Because I have historically been 'persona non grata' number one, I have never attended. Nor have any personal invitations of this type been extended.

 I had to call my cousin after work because the confusion and skepticism hung on long after the phone call. I seriously thought this was so weird. After speaking with my cousin I was convinced that attending was the thing to do. Reassured we would be welcome. So I rearranged my weekend to include two visits, one on both days, first with my daughter and her girlfriend on Saturday and on Sunday with my boyfriend. I let my relatives know my timing should they like to see me on the event Facebook page. We were excited to go and see family, a high percentage of whom do not tow the JW line. Cousins we haven't seen in years! And a few who, JW or not, would be happy to see us. Although they might not spend much time with me, it would be a great opportunity for them to spend some time with two of the most beautiful humans that are my daughter and boyfriend. How awesome!! Maybe they are loosening up a bit!

As I write this I am working to stay true to how I felt. Excited and hopeful! Happy for the opportunity to see family gathered together at what appeared to be an all inclusive event!

...and like a punch to the gut, I get the message from my non-JW cousin at whose home the event is to take place, that he would, with heartfelt apologies and "out of respect for his wife's religious beliefs", have to ask me not to attend. Well...fuck. I should have known it was too good to be true. How could I be so stupid to think that anything has changed. That maybe they have learned what love really is.

I took a screenshot and sent it off to my daughter, boyfriend and cousins with whom I had been discussing attending. Surprise ensued. Disappointment, sadness and anger followed. Kudos to my daughter who blasted the internet personal space of Facebook with all she was feeling. In words I wanted to scream to the universe along with her. 'Go fuck yourselves! We are DONE! Do not ever invite us again! We have carried on without you for this long, we will continue to carry on just fine without you!'  Etc,etc. And very well put I must say. She can write.

Anyway, here we are not going. And here I am struggling with rehashing old shit. Same old same old. Angry with myself for allowing hope to arise within myself, and worse passing it on to my children.
I have lived with this for so long why am I allowing it to hurt me now??

I knew last month during the last conversation with my Dad that I will ever have that he was a lost cause. But I had heard rumors of others loosening ... so hope springs alive from the well within. Because I yearn for them to learn love as I know it. For them to enjoy life, to let go of the misery they are immersed in. Remove themselves from the lie they believe to be true. That's why.

But because love comes with boundaries, I am with my daughter on this one. Unless you can be all inclusive of those who are your family by blood ...fuck you. You are toxic to all that I am and believe myself to be. You are toxic to those who are most important to me and I will not allow your toxicity to touch me and mine. As long as you call yourself a Jehovah's Witness and follow their old white men with their toxic view of love, it is YOU who are not welcome in our lives. Peace, out.