Pride & Purpose.

The last couple of days I have sat in sorrow and despair for humanity, for this planet we live on. How can we have come so far and then in a flurry of bullets from a madman be thrown backwards? Back into a state of fear? Fear that living our truth, being who we are is cause for being murdered?

I recognize that there are millions of people worldwide who live in this a state of fear...because of hunger, poverty, nasty regimes, and these too are issues that if humanity so desired we could resolve. But here in North America, where we are supposed to be so much more enlightened than the rest of the planet, a madman, for whatever reason, can buy an assault rifle and walk into a place of joy and pleasure and mow down 49 people. Why? Because they were LGBTI (lesbian gay bisexual transgender intersex). North America where the civil rights movement freed those oppressed by racial segregation, where women won the right to vote through suffrage, where gay marriage has been recognized and legalized, where pride events illicit only a few loud obnoxious religious right voices but little to no violence. Where so many struggles affecting us all have been hard fought and won. How? Why? WTF?!?!?

I sat in wonder...why am I feeling this way? Why has this yet another ridiculous mass shooting in a country with ridiculously lax gun laws impacted me so greatly? Unlike the many other mass shooting  (a total of 136 in 2016 ...this year alone and it's only JUNE!) what is different? I realized after discussion with a friend, it is because this one hit way too fucking close to home. Perhaps that sounds cold to those who have lost people in the way too many other mass shootings, I don't mean for it to. It isn't just about it hitting close to home...it is about it hitting those who have fought long and hard for their rights. Despite their state representatives continuing to introduce bills to limit them, despite the loud obnoxious voices of the religious right spewing bible verses as though they  mean something to people who actually understand the concept of unconditional love, despite our loud voices against what we KNOW is wrong we continue to be hated, derided, maligned, beaten and murdered, and NOW mass murdered! In a place in which we have felt safe! And yes, I say WE because that is the depth of my solidarity with LGBTIs. They are my family, my friends, my community...a place where I always feel welcome, loved and accepted. So I guess I have taken it rather personally and so should you. There should be no place for this kind of hatred, the kind that is bred of self loathing developed over years of religious and societal indoctrination. The kind of indoctrination I am way too familiar with and left far behind long ago.

What can I do?? My insides are screaming. How can I stop a madman from murdering my family? I can't. No amount of rainbow crosswalks can stop it. No amount of Pride events can stop it. What I can do is shed light where there is darkness. Educate where there is ignorance in the hopes that someone will listen and learn. I will continue to paint rainbow crosswalks and organize Pride events. And now I will work to educate, to eradicate the ignorance that embodies these mad people and fight against the indoctrination that leads them to believe that how we live our lives is somehow wrong. That our differences make us less than them or anyone. I will do what I can to show that LOVE IS LOVE regardless of what their ancient outdated books may say. No one owns anyone else, we are not possessions. No one has the right to determine whose so-called morals are more correct. No one has the right to determine the correct path for another human. It comes down to this in my view, and this alone... if it harm none, including yourself, do what you will. Imagine the world if this alone guided our actions.

I now have renewed purpose. A damn shitty way to get it but when I leave this world I will do so knowing I did what I could to fill it with love. Peace, love and rainbows.

November...

... a month of remembering, of pain, of love, of bittersweet memories of those long past from my life. Today I feel like I am wallowing and perhaps I am. I finally watched our Family Reflections dvd ...it has remained in its packaging since I received it after my grandpa's death in 2009. Tears streamed down my face amid the smile on my lips seeing all the faces that were part of my childhood. I share my history with a very few trusted friends and even then I keep much of my pain hidden in dark places that very few can reach. It is the past and much of the time I chose to let it go as best I can so watching this dvd has been something I have long avoided. Finally watching it was soul cleansing. (Next my parents Wedding video...someday.)

I lost my mom at the tender age of four and though I have been blessed with many moms along the way the few memories I have of her burn bright. I treasure the stories told by her brothers and sisters among many others who knew her, and my grandparents kept her memory alive for me. I have spent little time wishing things could have been different because no one can change the past. It is what it is. I have, though, detached myself often through the years, from the pain of loss. I have held onto anger for the belief system that served to separate me from my sisters and my father, my aunts and uncles. Often I have felt so alone in my pain. When grandma passed away I reconnected with cousins who too were separated from family connections because of this damning belief system. In many ways these connections saved me. Brought my anger to the surface and helped me work through it. Gave me the courage to live, to forgive and to make my own way and face the fact that somethings can never be recovered but only accepted for what they are.

When grandpa passed although I felt like I had lost my last connection to my mom, my cousins were there and we celebrated the person we knew grandpa to be. The one who was and still is the glue that keeps us connected even though we are separated by distance. The one who showed true unconditional love to all of his children and grandchildren despite their supposed dysfunctions. We knew this even as we sat through a memorial service that did little to recognize this deep abiding love shown by my grandfather and focused on an afterlife that many of us present have no faith in.  As my Facebook newsfeed fills with pictures of the past I am filled with both melancholy and a deep love for the connection that remains strong held together by those photos, by grandpa's memory. A deep love for all of my grandparents progeny who have lived as grandpa lived, authentically and honestly.

Life is short, too short to live with regret, with anger, and too damn short not to live the way that works for you, however that may look. So I cherish the memories, the lessons, and the example my grandfather set. Although beliefs separate me from my sisters and my father, many of my aunts and uncles, I love them all. I wish nothing but the best for them. Even though we may not be a part of each others lives blood connects us and I honor that connection. I wish them peace and love. That is all.

Sexual Abuse...

...needs to be addressed seriously in our community. NOW. When leaders in our community have whispered allegations against them and they sit in positions of power it silences those who have been and still are victims. Sexual abuse is a cycle like any other kind of abuse. It is spoken of in hushed conversations because the victims have been robbed of their power to speak openly about their experiences. Sexual abuse is very often the root cause of addiction. When our young ones are trapped in addiction we need to ask why. There is always a reason and it is not because they are young and rebellious. Addiction is a way to numb pain. A coping mechanism. So let's ask...what are they trying to cope with?? What trauma/s have resulted in their addiction? In their self-destructive behavior?

As a survivor of multiple abusive traumas and a person who has over the years struggled with a few addictions, I can speak to this subject with some authority. I can confirm that addiction, whether it is alcohol, drugs or whatever, gives us a sense of return to power and control. That which has been taken from us. I also recognize that the majority of abusers, if not all, have themselves been victims. As my philosophy professor stated, "There is a reason for every behavior." When these reasons, the root cause, remain unaddressed the cycle continues. We need to break this cycle!!! We need to seek out those who have abused and make them accountable for their behavior AND address their victimization. We cannot do this by remaining silent!!! We must speak out!! I urge all of those in our community who are and have been victims to stand together and cry out to address this issue!! It is killing our young ones!! Not just in a physical sense...it is killing their spirit!! They are our future!! We need to do all we can to support them, get them the help they need before it is too late!!

When I was 6 years old I was abducted and abused by a person who was just getting started. I found out later that I was this person's first and he was just beginning to escalate. I recognize that this is a different situation than for those who have been abused by trusted family members. However, this event along with the teachings of the religion that silenced women and children, also abuse, placed me squarely in the position to be a victim of many other abuses, sexual, physical and emotional over many years. I know from my first marriage that after many years of counseling abusers who were also victims CAN be rehabilitated. The only way is for us to come out of hiding even if we are not initially believed.WE MUST SPEAK OUT!!

I now know my power and I have taken it back!! Please for the sake of our community and our children find your power...it is in speaking out!! Loudly and repeatedly until you are heard!! When we see those suffering with addictions recognize that this is a result of trauma...do not deride them. Recognize the roots of the behavior and lets work to address those root causes. We cannot save everyone but please people, let's focus on our young ones. Let's get them the help they need even if we have to drag them kicking and screaming! Are we not tired of watching them drown and die in their trauma??

I REPEAT ....SPEAK OUT! SPEAK LOUDLY! TRUTH IS POWER!!!

Channeling Russell Brand...

I have been reading Russell Brand's books. Currently into his "Revolution". (Note: The LOVE in Revolution is highlighted.) I must say his is one brilliant mind. He has been best friends with addiction and insanity and has lived to tell about it. He is hanging onto a certain amount of so-called insanity as it is actually society's notion of insanity that is a problem. Anyone who is not "normal" or lives in an altered state of consciousness is considered mentally diseased. Case and point, Jehovah's Witnesses consider anyone who has left their apocalyptic cult and has since grasped the notion that perhaps there is no god...or at the very least that JW's are some seriously fucked up folk are considered 'mentally diseased'. They have actually printed this in one of their magazines so the rank and file can be in tune with the notions of the top echelon. In mainstream society anyone who doesn't consider the Oscar's watchable or doesn't stay hip to the latest celebrity happenings are considered strange. Anyone who doesn't abide by society's lame ass rules and notions of morality are considered abnormal and mentally problematic. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association) lists various personality disorders based on behavior over time and how well that behavior fits within established society. Any behavior considered 'anti-established-society' is now a disorder.  Perhaps the problem is not the personality but the box of established society in which it has been determined we must fit. Anyone who actually knows me recognizes how much 'fuck you' I have for boxes. I am not a cat and neither are you. Boxes are for cats and shit that needs to be stored. They are not for people.

As I was reading I came across this rather long-winded gem. 

"Interestingly, Ganesh, the elephant-headed Hindu deity, is known as the remover of obstacles. When I first heard that, I thought it meant obstacles like a boss who irritates you or a boyfriend of a girl you like. Now I think it means the obstacles within the self that prevent you from being in harmony with "God". If you can be free from pride, self-pity, self-centeredness, selfishness, jealousy, envy, intolerance, impatience, greed, gluttony, lust, sloth, arrogance and dishonesty, then there is a state of serenity and connectedness within. Like Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is within," which seems, once and for all, to bust wide open the daft afterlife view of heaven as some kind of Lando Carlissian cloud kingdom that you can get into like Alton Towers if you acquire enough good-boy tokens."

As is well known amongst my peers, I am an atheist. I do not think there is a god. I do however, believe that there is an innate connectedness between all lifeforms. We are all made from stardust. I also believe that religion, intolerance, and all the above mentioned traits work towards driving a wedge between us as individuals and this connectedness. If we dropped all pretenses, society's need for image, and lived as our authentic selves then we would once again feel this connectedness and love would win out. The above mentioned traits are obstacles which keep us from becoming our authentic selves. They keep us from love in it's purest form. They keep us boxed in. Get out of the box I say!! The magic happens outside of the box!! That my friends is REVOLUTION!

Peace, love and rainbows.

Small towns...

...small minds. Of late I have apparently been a subject for speculation and rumors. I pay no attention to what folks have to say about me... at least I try not to. Because I do not want to care about what people think of me and for the most part I do not. With the help of a few very good friends ( you know who you are) I have been reminded that in my situation, newly single, I have to be my own best friend. I believe this to be the case regardless of one's marital status, it just becomes more apparent that when one is alone...they are truly alone. I am coming to terms with this and am enjoying my current shut-in status. I have been productive and am accountable to no one but myself. That is right folks, small town or not, I owe NO ONE an explanation for MY life. Say what you will, for what you have to say about me is not my business. I have no need to know. I do my very best not to gossip or judge. (That's right, unless you are a political force in our community, I am NOT talking or speculating about you and your life.) People do what they do. We all have our shit, our baggage and if you don't think you do...well that my friends is denial. Deep denial. I have a rich and colorful past which I have shared with very few people. No one but I know the details of my demons. They are mine and I guard them more so now than ever. I have lived many places and have always had my privacy respected. (Except as a Jehovah's Witness...talk about being under a microscope!) I have generally been an open book and have shared many of my experiences as they are wide and deep in a personal way and I feel that my experiences can and have helped others through theirs. I have recognized and been reminded of the necessity of keeping my book a little more tightly closed. Not necessarily to protect myself, but so that others can find the substance within their own lives rather than be enamored with speculating about mine. I have zero interest in what folks do in the privacy of their own homes. I judge no one's life for their experience is theirs and I am not in their shoes. Everyone does their best with the tools they have been provided and have acquired. I respect that it is their life, their circus, their monkeys. Everyone is many shades of dark and light whether or not they care to admit it or have the balls to do the internal work necessary to truly know, love and accept themselves as they are. I have done this work and continue to do so. The last 5 months have been ones of personal growth and acceptance. I am loving who I am and what my life has become and that is all that matters to me. If you must gossip and speculate it speaks far louder about the apparent lack of substance in your life than it says about me.

 I close this post with the quote below. To me this speaks volumes about how necessary it is to be your own best friend because when it comes right down to it you are the only one upon whom you can truly depend and the only one you can truly know. Peace, love and rainbows.

 "Had I not created my whole world, I would most certainly have died in other people's" ~ Anais Nin

More Rambling...

It would appear I am repetitive.  No real surprise there. I take it as a reminder to myself to continue on this journey I am on.
I have many plans for my future which include continued growth, regular yoga sessions, exercise and repeat trips to Seattle.  I intend to paint, draw, weave, build, refinish, create and recreate. I will do whatever the fuck I want to.

I am thinking "whatever the fuck I want to" should probably not include smoking cigars. Me and my addictive personality. (Note to self: you have already quit smoking twice...third time is a charm. Let's make it stick. My poor lungs.) It may include dancing naked in the moonlight...in the privacy of my own home of course. And let's face it...with a glass of red wine an occasional cigar goes pretty damn good.  Everything in moderation... not that I have ever been very good at moderation.

Currently I am the healthiest I've probably ever been.  I have had the recent EKG to prove it. Chest pain caused either by too many planks and downward dogs at yoga or possibly from ripping apart pallets. Either way...the doc says I am in exceptional health.  A hundred years total life looks doable.

The one thing I totally need to do...is write. I have been painting and weaving. Thoughts to paper has been somewhat neglected. Heres to trying not to neglect doing the things I love and am passionate about. Passion is life!

2015

2015. Another year I thought at one time I would never see. Being in an apocalyptic cult has a funny way of defining how you see your future. So does being married. Particularly when not happily so. This past year has been an entire year of determining what I want. How I want my future to be. What I want to do. Ditching the relationship was hard but was overall an easy decision as it had been holding me back in many ways since the beginning. Funny how we do that to ourselves. Pack ourselves into a relationship that looks different than the last one but is much the same. I had always thought it was versions of my father that I married but now I find that it was a combination of the cult, one of my sisters, (yes the hateful one whose moods and behavior often shaped the atmosphere in my childhood home, with good reason I might add) and yes, my father, that I married. Twice. ...okay bit of a meander there. Anyway, ...oh ya, finding myself. For the most part I have generally been rather proud of how self aware I am, or had been or thought I had been would be more accurate. I am finding out just how molded this person who has made a point of not being molded has been. How could I not be? I have been wading my way through mounds of what "Is this really what I want to do?" Is this what I want?" "Is this something I do because I have been conditioned to?" The pile is deep. I am no stranger to self discovery as it has always been vitally important to me to be authentic and true to myself regardless as to what others thought much of my adult life. So it is still somewhat shocking to me to find that I did not have this as well in hand as I thought. Last year was the year of letting go...this will be the year of finding me. I expect the finding me part to last the rest of my life because I do not feel we are ever fully complete. There is always learning to do. Self discoveries to make. I think the best way to find ourselves is to give our hearts precedence over our brains, love ourselves and accept all that we are and all that we will be. Give others the same acceptance and non-judgement. For that is love. This year I will find myself in the process of losing myself.