Channeling Russell Brand...

I have been reading Russell Brand's books. Currently into his "Revolution". (Note: The LOVE in Revolution is highlighted.) I must say his is one brilliant mind. He has been best friends with addiction and insanity and has lived to tell about it. He is hanging onto a certain amount of so-called insanity as it is actually society's notion of insanity that is a problem. Anyone who is not "normal" or lives in an altered state of consciousness is considered mentally diseased. Case and point, Jehovah's Witnesses consider anyone who has left their apocalyptic cult and has since grasped the notion that perhaps there is no god...or at the very least that JW's are some seriously fucked up folk are considered 'mentally diseased'. They have actually printed this in one of their magazines so the rank and file can be in tune with the notions of the top echelon. In mainstream society anyone who doesn't consider the Oscar's watchable or doesn't stay hip to the latest celebrity happenings are considered strange. Anyone who doesn't abide by society's lame ass rules and notions of morality are considered abnormal and mentally problematic. The DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association) lists various personality disorders based on behavior over time and how well that behavior fits within established society. Any behavior considered 'anti-established-society' is now a disorder.  Perhaps the problem is not the personality but the box of established society in which it has been determined we must fit. Anyone who actually knows me recognizes how much 'fuck you' I have for boxes. I am not a cat and neither are you. Boxes are for cats and shit that needs to be stored. They are not for people.

As I was reading I came across this rather long-winded gem. 

"Interestingly, Ganesh, the elephant-headed Hindu deity, is known as the remover of obstacles. When I first heard that, I thought it meant obstacles like a boss who irritates you or a boyfriend of a girl you like. Now I think it means the obstacles within the self that prevent you from being in harmony with "God". If you can be free from pride, self-pity, self-centeredness, selfishness, jealousy, envy, intolerance, impatience, greed, gluttony, lust, sloth, arrogance and dishonesty, then there is a state of serenity and connectedness within. Like Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is within," which seems, once and for all, to bust wide open the daft afterlife view of heaven as some kind of Lando Carlissian cloud kingdom that you can get into like Alton Towers if you acquire enough good-boy tokens."

As is well known amongst my peers, I am an atheist. I do not think there is a god. I do however, believe that there is an innate connectedness between all lifeforms. We are all made from stardust. I also believe that religion, intolerance, and all the above mentioned traits work towards driving a wedge between us as individuals and this connectedness. If we dropped all pretenses, society's need for image, and lived as our authentic selves then we would once again feel this connectedness and love would win out. The above mentioned traits are obstacles which keep us from becoming our authentic selves. They keep us from love in it's purest form. They keep us boxed in. Get out of the box I say!! The magic happens outside of the box!! That my friends is REVOLUTION!

Peace, love and rainbows.

Small towns...

...small minds. Of late I have apparently been a subject for speculation and rumors. I pay no attention to what folks have to say about me... at least I try not to. Because I do not want to care about what people think of me and for the most part I do not. With the help of a few very good friends ( you know who you are) I have been reminded that in my situation, newly single, I have to be my own best friend. I believe this to be the case regardless of one's marital status, it just becomes more apparent that when one is alone...they are truly alone. I am coming to terms with this and am enjoying my current shut-in status. I have been productive and am accountable to no one but myself. That is right folks, small town or not, I owe NO ONE an explanation for MY life. Say what you will, for what you have to say about me is not my business. I have no need to know. I do my very best not to gossip or judge. (That's right, unless you are a political force in our community, I am NOT talking or speculating about you and your life.) People do what they do. We all have our shit, our baggage and if you don't think you do...well that my friends is denial. Deep denial. I have a rich and colorful past which I have shared with very few people. No one but I know the details of my demons. They are mine and I guard them more so now than ever. I have lived many places and have always had my privacy respected. (Except as a Jehovah's Witness...talk about being under a microscope!) I have generally been an open book and have shared many of my experiences as they are wide and deep in a personal way and I feel that my experiences can and have helped others through theirs. I have recognized and been reminded of the necessity of keeping my book a little more tightly closed. Not necessarily to protect myself, but so that others can find the substance within their own lives rather than be enamored with speculating about mine. I have zero interest in what folks do in the privacy of their own homes. I judge no one's life for their experience is theirs and I am not in their shoes. Everyone does their best with the tools they have been provided and have acquired. I respect that it is their life, their circus, their monkeys. Everyone is many shades of dark and light whether or not they care to admit it or have the balls to do the internal work necessary to truly know, love and accept themselves as they are. I have done this work and continue to do so. The last 5 months have been ones of personal growth and acceptance. I am loving who I am and what my life has become and that is all that matters to me. If you must gossip and speculate it speaks far louder about the apparent lack of substance in your life than it says about me.

 I close this post with the quote below. To me this speaks volumes about how necessary it is to be your own best friend because when it comes right down to it you are the only one upon whom you can truly depend and the only one you can truly know. Peace, love and rainbows.

 "Had I not created my whole world, I would most certainly have died in other people's" ~ Anais Nin

More Rambling...

It would appear I am repetitive.  No real surprise there. I take it as a reminder to myself to continue on this journey I am on.
I have many plans for my future which include continued growth, regular yoga sessions, exercise and repeat trips to Seattle.  I intend to paint, draw, weave, build, refinish, create and recreate. I will do whatever the fuck I want to.

I am thinking "whatever the fuck I want to" should probably not include smoking cigars. Me and my addictive personality. (Note to self: you have already quit smoking twice...third time is a charm. Let's make it stick. My poor lungs.) It may include dancing naked in the moonlight...in the privacy of my own home of course. And let's face it...with a glass of red wine an occasional cigar goes pretty damn good.  Everything in moderation... not that I have ever been very good at moderation.

Currently I am the healthiest I've probably ever been.  I have had the recent EKG to prove it. Chest pain caused either by too many planks and downward dogs at yoga or possibly from ripping apart pallets. Either way...the doc says I am in exceptional health.  A hundred years total life looks doable.

The one thing I totally need to do...is write. I have been painting and weaving. Thoughts to paper has been somewhat neglected. Heres to trying not to neglect doing the things I love and am passionate about. Passion is life!

2015

2015. Another year I thought at one time I would never see. Being in an apocalyptic cult has a funny way of defining how you see your future. So does being married. Particularly when not happily so. This past year has been an entire year of determining what I want. How I want my future to be. What I want to do. Ditching the relationship was hard but was overall an easy decision as it had been holding me back in many ways since the beginning. Funny how we do that to ourselves. Pack ourselves into a relationship that looks different than the last one but is much the same. I had always thought it was versions of my father that I married but now I find that it was a combination of the cult, one of my sisters, (yes the hateful one whose moods and behavior often shaped the atmosphere in my childhood home, with good reason I might add) and yes, my father, that I married. Twice. ...okay bit of a meander there. Anyway, ...oh ya, finding myself. For the most part I have generally been rather proud of how self aware I am, or had been or thought I had been would be more accurate. I am finding out just how molded this person who has made a point of not being molded has been. How could I not be? I have been wading my way through mounds of what "Is this really what I want to do?" Is this what I want?" "Is this something I do because I have been conditioned to?" The pile is deep. I am no stranger to self discovery as it has always been vitally important to me to be authentic and true to myself regardless as to what others thought much of my adult life. So it is still somewhat shocking to me to find that I did not have this as well in hand as I thought. Last year was the year of letting go...this will be the year of finding me. I expect the finding me part to last the rest of my life because I do not feel we are ever fully complete. There is always learning to do. Self discoveries to make. I think the best way to find ourselves is to give our hearts precedence over our brains, love ourselves and accept all that we are and all that we will be. Give others the same acceptance and non-judgement. For that is love. This year I will find myself in the process of losing myself.

The Way Forward...

This past year has been about burning bridges and lighting my way... with my own inner light. It has been about recognizing my darkness and embracing it. It has been about learning that I don't really know who I am. I am an amalgamation of my journey and my journey has been a winding path of repeated self-destruction. I have allowed two marriages to eat me whole until there was barely a thread. Fortunately near the end of both relationships I have found people who have had the ability to tug on that thread and bring me back to life. Those are the people I am truly grateful for. Those who accept me without judgement, all of who I am and who I may end up being no matter who that is. Those who have shown me that love does not eat you alive. It energizes, refreshes and encourages growth. It does not stagnate, control, possess obsessively, and insist on its own way. True love liberates and frees. It watches with joy as you find your way and relishes in your happiness in whatever form that comes in. Love does not box you in a cage. It insists that you fly. And that love starts with yourself. My way forward will be accepting love in whatever form it appears. Loving myself and all that I am and all that I will be. I will not be boxed by societal norms, by the judgements or supposed morals of others. I will travel my individual journey in a way I see fit. I will feel, love, create, and follow my passions where ever they may be. I will live MY authentic life. Life is short...I will grab it by the horns and ride until I'm thrown...then I will get up and grab those horns again.

Closing of a Chapter

On Friday I said goodbye to a long time friend. I had to choose whether to hang on or to let go. To end his suffering or to try to get him to stay a bit longer. I let him go. There was little to no hope for his survival and when hope is gone its time to let go. It was not a difficult choice. I cannot help but think that this letting go was part of closing the chapter on my marriage. I knew it was over, everything but the paperwork. As I knew when we drove Thor to the vet that it was the end. A friend suggested I needed a ritual to let go of my marriage, for me, saying goodbye and crying tears for Thor, my rottie, was ritual enough. He came to us right after our honeymoon it is fitting that he left us shortly after I left my husband. The last two months he finally received the most consistent positive attention. He finally had a yard to hang out in and that is what he did. He represented both the good and the toxic of my marriage. He was supposedly loved but had no freedom. He gave nothing but love and sought approval and got little in return from the person he wanted it the most. I am grateful that he had the last two months to sleep at the foot of my bed where he always wanted to be. Could play freely and safely in a large yard with Bella. He sat on the deck and took in his surroundings. He lay on the furniture and at my feet while I watched tv. No one yelled at him to get to the porch or go to his bed. He went outside when he wanted. I am going to miss him as I might occasionally miss the presence of another while married but I know that he suffered much of his short life as did my marriage and it was time to let go. Like my marriage I will think of the good and the lessons. Thor's greatest lesson to me is to love completely... but when shit goes sideways ... let go, embrace change and enjoy the new yard. <3

" Do Not Lean Upon Your Own Understanding" ... I Call B*llsh*t.

That's correct. I call bullshit. I say that the only understanding you should lean on is your own. Now this is not to say you shouldn't listen to advice or acquire knowledge. Or that you shouldn't weigh the opinions of those who have a different perspective than your own. What I do mean is only YOU know what you like, what feels right, what twists your guts and what doesn't and when that twisting means something is good or bad. We each contain the necessaries for our own happiness. We need to know ourselves and this means alone time. Allowing time to determine what we have done out of habit and whether or not those are actually things we WANT to do. "Do not lean upon your own understanding" is a scriptural reference that is used to fit you into a preconceived control box. To control the morality of the masses. Fuck that. I never fit in that box and I certainly don't intend to start now. The bible is the shittiest tool ever for determining morality. Slavery good, rape first then marry, but homosexuality is bad. Only a petty god would say "love me the way I want or I will send you to hell". And quite frankly, that phrase pretty much explains my entire married life. So I'm out...on my own to figure out myself. What I like. What I want. And I'm going to lean upon my own understanding, once I figure out what that is, whether or not it makes sense to anyone else. Cheers.